Posts Tagged ‘accountability’

16.Aug.2011 |

Sex, Single and Accountability

Written by Jill
3 Comments

Sex

Most of us know what the Bible states about sex – between a man and a woman in marriage. That means that God would love singles to abstain. That’s tough but after all, there’s not many occasions when he says ‘no’ to certain things.

Casual sex or any sex outside of marriage can seem a good idea but the problem is that often one of the two in the relationship gets more attached than the other. This leads to heartbreak. Sex provides a powerful connection and is more than just physical.

No sex until marriage is better. Once that part of life is awakened it’s really difficult to stop.

Accountability!

I’ve often heard singles ask for accountability concerning sex and relationships. Accountability is fantastic but it does rely on our willingness to not only be totally honest with ourselves and others but also our willingness to hear the answer ‘no” and to implement guidance into our lives. In other words, we can only be as accountable as each of us will allow.

Accountability starts with being honest with ourselves. Accountability means that we will discipline ourselves.

Quick Keys

Set your boundaries and voice them to surrounding friends who can see your life. Those not in your daily life can not help you with accountability.
Look long term for your life and therefore decide to behave according to what you want for your life.
Invest time with those that will help you make wise decisions regarding relationships. LEARN to hear their advice. For example, if your friends don’t like one that you’re dating, there’s often good reason.
It’s a great idea to live near great friends. Location rather than isolation provides better accountability.
Have a physical outlet – gym, sport, etc.
Discipline yourself now for your future. There’s not an easy solution and yet discipline is a key quality that serves each of us well.

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02.Oct.2010 |

Putting a Marriage in Crisis Back together

Written by Jill
6 Comments

Our Past
After being married for seven years, Dean and I separated for three months after a tough previous year. It takes two to destroy a marriage and it is not uncommon that one or both are unaware of this disintegration. We decided to reconcile. Even though this was almost twenty years ago, many of the thought processes are still clear to me today.

Reconciliation is filled with fear and hurt. It is not romantic as many would think but the process is frightening and has to be accompanied by determination and commitment. The result can be an incredible sense of victory. This post passes no judgment on those whose marriages have ended in divorce but following are keys for reconciliation.

Keys For Reconciliation

1. The support and coaching by a counselor or pastor is needed. To avoid this is to only pretend that our problems are insignificant. There is nothing new about anyone’s problems and so to bring them to light with someone that is used to dealing with marital crises is only of benefit.

2. Do not remove yourself from supportive friends. Marriage breakdown is embarrassing and a couple in crisis will reveal things that likely they will regret. However we need our friends.

As we again highlight our great memories and show that we are willing to change, our friends will support us in this. It is common in a marriage breakdown, that each of the couple becomes negative about the other but in reconciliation, it is a commitment to again highlight the positives but change the negatives.

Stay humble and gracious to your friends. In marriage breakdown we have often placed our friends in the predicament of choosing sides. And yet here we are reconciling and now we expect our friends to leap on board with our decision. Be grateful to those that are in your life and understand that they are not always going to say what we want or need.

3. In the reconciliation process, stay in church where you are able to worship and learn. In crises, we do not think clearly. We need to stay amongst those who know and love us. To leave our home church is only a way of avoiding some of our problems. A new church is a novelty but only enables us to avoid dealing with our problems. Church is the place to worship God and nothing can take it’s place.

4. Reconciliation means that a couple are choosing to move forward. Understand though that trust is not established with the word “sorry”. If one of a couple has been unfaithful, rebuilding trust means that they understand that their partner will find it hard to trust. The unfaithful will have to explain absences and phone calls but as time passes and one’s trustworthiness is proven, trust is rebuilt. This may take months or years depending on the infidelity.

5. There is a need to restructure priorities so that both persons know that they are important to the other. For example to not go out with friends but come home to a spouse. To give more attention to a spouse rather than the kids. Monies may be invested more wisely so that a couple get time together. Recheck the required priorities regularly and make necessary changes.

6. Choose to do loving things for the other in a way that they recognize. Watch for what the other responds to and think back to your dating days as to what he or she appreciated. I’d find a flower on the front porch or there were surprise nights out. I had to change my communication and realize that my negativity was driving a wedge between Dean and myself. As I was receptive toward his ideas I found that he enjoyed speaking with me.

7. People wonder about sex in these situations. Often this part of a relationship has died. In stress and crises, both sexes can carry a great sense of rejection and loss. Marriage breakdown is not so different to the grieving process. The following may apply to you.
Both partners need to be patient sexually. If infidelity has been involved, the rejected partner may carry many questions and have images and thoughts as to what has occurred. They may be false images but still much patience from the other is required.
The rejected partner needs also to make the decision to put such images from their mind. This is the time to thank God for reconciliation and choose to dwell on Godly thoughts.
A man needs to not take a woman’s desire to hug as sexual advances but perhaps just a display of her need for love and comfort.
Women need to understand that a man too can face deep hurt in this area. Her infidelity may cause him to feel impotent. She needs to keep her words tender and soft. A harsh and outspoken woman can be a sexual turnoff to a man.

8. Children are often involved in marriage breakdown and they have heard and seen inappropriate things. However apologies and reassurances of our love can be made. Do fun things together as a family allowing them to see mom and dad interact with no stress.

9. Sometimes in reconciliation there are items, sounds and places that cause pain. Therefore if this is something that stresses your partner, get rid of or avoid these things. Certain music and movies may no longer be a part of life. Gifts may need to be destroyed if from someone with whom there was inappropriate intimacy. Phone numbers may need to be deleted or changed.

10. Stay committed and determine that you are reconciling despite your emotional mindset each day. Grace, forgiveness and humility are needed everyday and so have scripture to which you can refer. Every day I wrote in a notebook, inspirational scriptures and I would reread these no matter my emotional state. The pain and bad memories subside and are replaced with new goals and a stronger love for the other due to the victory that you have achieved.

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29.Sep.2010 |

Are You Ready For Counseling?

Written by Jill
1 Comment

More people have had counseling than we know. Not that we should run to a counselor every time we are having problems but to be open to hearing the advice of another is beneficial for our lives.

To step over pride and embarrassment is vital as a counselee. These two traits can keep us making the same mistakes throughout life as we wont put them down to hear the advice of another.

Know though that many answers for our lives are found in the Bible and applying God’s words to our lives brings often the needed changes.

The Counselor
The counselor should be in submission to a local church and not vice versa. No where Biblically does it highlight the authority of the counselor. In fact I’ve found that the more I learn and study, the more there is to learn and study.

There are those counselors who are genuine in their desire to help people and support and work with the local church.

Counselors are wise to have their own confidante due to the nature of their job. Their confidante is one that hears their personal stresses.

The Client or Counselee
We can expect too much from a counselor. They can’t fix us. It takes time for them to know us and they can only work with what we reveal about our situation. They have acquired much knowledge through education and experience but this is not a guaranteed fix. Rather it is the counselee’s desire to make changes within oneself that brings results.

In Attending Counseling
1.Be open to hear and learn. The advice you receive may not be what you expect or want.
2. Know that change is slow, hard work and requires discipline.
3. Be honest and reveal the shameful secrets.
4. Counseling costs but is a worthwhile investment, often more beneficial than a new computer or desired vacation.
5. Do the homework. Read the books and materials.
6. Be committed. Often the process hurts. Counseling is not about feeling good.

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25.Sep.2010 |

Do I Need Counseling?

Written by Jill
2 Comments

The Client

Let’s remove the stigma. Every person has a fallen nature that needs change and help. Despite stable backgrounds, personality, education or being a Christian, we all face situations where we need another’s input.

In marriage, even when one is obviously in the wrong, it takes two to get to a crisis point. I discovered this with our own marital problems twenty years ago. I wanted to unleash the list of Dean’s bad habits on the counselor but the counselor wanted to start with me! And then when he asked us to complete a temperament profile, Dean was finished in fifteen minutes while I was still attempting to complete mine two hours later. What an eye opener our counseling was.

Our time in counseling was a turning point for both Dean and myself, particularly because we went with the recommendations of our pastors. The hardest part of counseling is committing to the first session. Nothing was hidden. Pride had to be overcome.

It is often tougher for a guy to admit the need for help but mostly, when putting aside pride, it can be a positive experience.

People often fall into one of two categories regarding counseling. There are those that claim to be too together to ever need counseling and there are those that never seem to leave counseling. The latter should be rare. The former probably need a reality check.

Who Should One See For Counseling?

If you are seeking out a counselor, then the following are key:

1. Who recommends the counselor? It’s great if a pastor is involved in this decision. Perhaps your dilemma is something easily solved by the pastor. Apart from this, what are the counselor’s credentials? Has he done a six week course (yes they are out there) or has he completed a degree?

2. What type of training has this counselor? While we often place more credence on secular knowledge, we succumb to failed theory after failed theory through psychology and some therapies. We tend to forget the originator and designer of knowledge and default to some latest and greatest idea regarding counseling and therapy.
Today our problems may be excused by making them a disease. In some cases this may be true but for many other behavioral problems, man has run out of solutions in the natural realm. Take care in the selection of a counselor.
We are off to a great start when we own our problems. We can then make the changes for recovery.
To know that your counselor is a Christian is vastly beneficial as he likely will help you from a Christian perspective. To know that he has trained under a Biblical or Christian school is an extra bonus.

3. Is this counselor submitted to a local church? Does he regularly attend and serve there? Does he speak highly of his church with love and excitement? Sometimes counselors are Christians but they have no connections to any church body. Counselors as do any other person need accountability and connection. They are as capable of problems as any other person.

4. Is this counselor willing to talk and work with your pastor regarding your situation? While you may be saying no way, your pastor likely knows you better than this new counselor and could save you money. Often we wonder why the first counseling session is merely answering questions but this is because it takes much time to know a new client. Your pastor also may present a different but helpful perspective of your situation. Frightening but could be beneficial. Often what we fail to reveal can bring us down.
Church also provides accountability which cannot be done by a counselor. It provides the friendship and support needed outside of the one hour of counsel each week. Why be too proud to share our lives when this is one of the reasons for which we were created.

5. The life success and experience of a counselor do count. It’s not easy to hear advice on marriage from one who has never been married. I once had coffee with a marriage counselor who was in the process of her third divorce. No judgment intended but we are better to minister out of the strengths and successes of our lives.

Many counselors today, even in the secular and unchurched fields will work with churches. They do not claim to be superior to the church but will work with pastors if agreeable to the client. This is greatly beneficial to all as the pastor is not left in the dark regarding his members while the client truly gets the help and support that is needed.

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