Posts Tagged ‘disappointment’

23.May.2012 |

Back to Basics

Written by Jill
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What is a Marriage?
It is a covenant, which means that two people are committed to the relationship and to protecting each other and the sanctiy and privacy of the marriage. It is two people sharing their lives, but at the same time not becoming so enmeshed in each other that they lose all sense of their own individual identities. It is two people that plan together for now and for the future so that their paths intertwine and not separate. It is two people that endeavor to look out for the happiness and contentment of the other. It is two people who realize that they can ultimately make their own paths, but that also have the grace and flexibility to allow the Lord to shape them.

What Goes Wrong?
Few people realize that when entering a marriage relationship we bring not only our hopes and plans for the future but also the baggage from our past. Often we know that we have baggage, but we choose to ignore it before the wedding, hoping that it will disappear. We are like pioneers in a new land. The territory is unfamiliar but we are hopeful for the future.

Often we view people who never seem to have problems as successful; the successful family is so together that they hardly raise a voice at each other. We carry a “Brady Bunch” image in our minds of what an ideal family looks like. To that family, a difficult problem is Greg breaking an arm at football or Jan struggling with being a middle child. Mr. and Mrs. Brady breezed through blending their two families together without a care in the world.

Sharpening One Another
Despite these preconceived notions, the successful person is really the one that does not hold onto unrealistic expectations and perceptions, but rather realizes that difficult days will come and can be overcome. Difficult times will always come, and unfortunately we cannot know the future. On the other hand, we have to experience trials to gain victories. So as much as we bring hope into our marriages, we also bring difficulty. These two things constantly accompany us, and work hand in hand building our marriages, if we realize that problems are a normal part of life. Mark 2:17 says,

“When Jesus heard it, He said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.”

This scripture points out both that we are imperfect and also that Jesus expects us to be imperfect. We grate against one another with attitudes and opinions, creating intense feelings. The important thing is how we deal with and handle those feelings.

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12.Dec.2011 |

Sexual Misconceptions

Written by Jill
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One of the greatest reasons for becoming involved in a sexual relationship is because we are told that it’s natural. So true. But why are so many filled with remorse for giving their bodies for this reason?

For some they are not sure if this person is the one to whom they want to commit. For others, something within seems wrong regarding this reason.

The Natural Choice is not Necessarily the Right Choice
The craving for sex is natural but man is more than a natural creature. God in Genesis created humans in His image giving him a spiritual component. 1 Thessalonians 5:23 defines three components of man being body, soul and spirit. We each carry a natural longing to sexually connect with another. However to have sex because it is natural ignores both the soul and spirit. Often afterwards, a person experiences disappointment rather than feelings of tenderness. The few seconds of “delight” can leave one feeling cheap. We have cheated ourselves because humans are more than just flesh.

Thinking Ahead
We naturally want to do many things in life but self discipline and restraint is required to prevent us from doing damage to ourselves and others. Restraint and self discipline mean that we achieve more in life because we have set ourselves up well. We crave many things in life but a good and healthy life means that we make wise choices.

If one chooses God’s ways then a person places structures and accountability around themselves that strengthens a person to live beyond fleshly or natural decisions. We act and do according to what we want for our futures. We even realize that to have sex with someone outside of marriage only complicates life.

The longer that we practice a life of restraint, the greater freedom and confidence one finds within himself.

True Love
True love is not about our needs. True love means that we give up our desires for the sake of another. To continually push what we believe to be our right on another, likely will lead to one losing the relationship. When we say that we love the other, we will respect their right to say no.

Think again. As believers, the reasons to have sex are not because it’s natural nor because we feel that we love the other. Rather the practice of true love will consider the standards of the other and that sex carries more than a natural element.

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23.Oct.2010 |

Frustration – Aiming For The Balanced Life

Written by Jill
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The Goal of Balance

We can aim for a balanced life. Either we tend to divide time between family, work, fitness and church. Or we may think in terms of soul, spirit and body. In either case we tend to look at our life as a pie graph and then allocate time accordingly. Many people set these goals around the new year. It feels good and orderly to have standards by which to live. But by month 2, we feel the failure of not achieving this goal. It reminds me of those living according to the Old Testament. Laws tend to trip us up. They show that we cannot live life by trying to control it.

Balance and An Ordered Life
The needs of an area in life cannot be tied down according to a time table. For example as a pastor, church members’ crises and celebrations do not fit my calendar. Children’s moments of need do not fit a parent’s calendar. A therapist can instruct a married couple to have intercourse two to three times a week but if their schedules are full this is unlikely to happen.

The “talk” of the balanced life has grown over the last twenty years because of the rise in therapy and counseling. Many churches have adopted this teaching. However in striving for a balanced life we tend to not realize our capacity. A body muscle is not strengthened by no exercise. It must be stretched and worked to a new degree. To increase capacity means that sometimes we will need to extend ourselves in an area of life that may be uncomfortable.

Often one’s striving for balance, involves our own world only and so as we turn down requests for help from others, we neglect to discover talents and abilities within ourselves while we would look at these people’s lives and label them as unbalanced.

The Christian life means that we worship the Christian God and we therefore must remember that worship is not merely singing songs but means that we bow down to our God. Christian worship involves sacrifice for one another.

Balance works well when considering some problems. Balance is an excellent consideration when life seems to be spinning out of control. A wife is depressed due to a husband’s continual absence or our children are misbehaving due to parents’ excessive work hours. We then reevaluate our schedules and make adjustments. However for the average person who has family, work and church commitments, it is best to look ahead, plan to some extent but then live according to needs and commitments presented in any given week. Understand that if a week is stressful, then yes some thing may need to be postponed. However stressful and busy times come to an end. And often when we push through these difficult times, there is a great sense of achievement.

Balance And Faith
God did not call us to live balanced lives but rather to “rise and take dominion” in Genesis 1:28. In 1 Timothy 6:12, He reminds us to “fight the good fight for the true faith. Hold tightly to the eternal life.” We are also commanded to “go into all the world” meaning to reach into our communities with the gospel. Nothing in the Bible limits a man or woman in their capacity as to what they can achieve. It definitely does not instruct one to settle for mediocrity but rather to rise to life’s challenges, fight with faith and see what one can achieve. Jesus called us to go. Not play it safe.

God stands out through His Word as a flexible, gracious and giving God. He instructs us to live by faith.Therefore, regarding balance, plan ahead but be posed for change. Realize that a balanced life works and communicates with family but also embraces more than one’s family and its needs. Satisfaction rises when one allows themselves to rise to a new standard through a new challenge.

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17.Sep.2010 |

Disappointment and Whom Do We Blame

Written by Jill
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In life most people will experience disappointment. Believers are no less a victim of this. We face the onslaughts of relationship battles, sickness, death, financial loss and aging amongst other things. We often think that others removed from our circle of friendships face less battles. This usually is a false perception. Every one faces disappointments.

The Disappointed Life
In Proverbs 13:12 it is written, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” God knows man’s nature. This means that man should communicate with God concerning his disappointments. If not we tend to falsely blame others including the church. There are many churches that have commenced out of one’s complaints and disillusion rather than vision.

When we are disappointed we tend to view life through this lens. We judge others and see the negatives of life rather than the positives. We gather with others that are like minded which only further fuels our pain. We return from a church service and pick holes in the message rather than seeing things of significance – a relevant scripture, someone’s breakthrough or the salvations that took place.

However faith is released out of hope rather than complaint. And so it is necessary that we decide to break out of the state of complaint.

Maturing Christianity
Maturing as believers means that we are willing to become responsible for our lives. To want something out of life means that we own the responsibility of acquiring this desire.

Maturing Christianity defaults to a bigger picture rather than our own wants. Mark says in his gospel in Mark 6:15, “Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation.” How easy it is to forget this primary purpose. It is not a natural thing for most of us but generally it is hard work. However when we refocus according to the Bible, suddenly life takes on new meaning.

Maturing Christianity means that when life is not moving according to plan, we shift our vision and are flexible.

Maturing Christianity means that we allow God to grow us into adulthood spiritually rather than wanting to remain a child. We take responsibility for our concerns and minimize blame elsewhere.

Maturing Christianity understands that we as adults realize that our attitudes and words are shaping our children.

Maturing Christianity recognizes the perils of bitterness and jealousy and therefore determines to squash these feelings in favor of cheering others on. Maturing is tolerant, loving and patient. Paul writes to Timothy in 1 Timothy 6:12, instructing him to “fight the good fight.” Therefore we must determine to fight that which is of eternal value. To give in only leads to further disappointments in life. Determine to fight for the future. The past is finished except for the lessons that we can learn for today.

Determining Change
When we blame others for our lives, we default from our responsibilities. God told Adam and Eve to not eat of only one tree in Genesis 2:15. And yet they did eat of this tree. We then see Adam and Eve blame each other when God gave each an opportunity to take responsibility for their sin.

Yes other people do affect our lives and unfairness exists. However God at our salvation gave all two essential ingredients that empower us to move beyond disappointment no matter the dilemma. These are faith in Him and the choice to believe His promises. Life will present disappointments but no one can take these ingredients from us.

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01.Sep.2010 |

Christian Sex and Sex

Written by Jill
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Original Sex
Sex was created by God to be between a man and woman in marriage. It is possibly the closest way in which one person can be connected to another. It was designed to be between two people that are committed to sharing and doing life together. Genesis 2:24 describes a process by which a man and woman leave their families, another unit of close connection, and unite with their new partner.

Sex means that we open ourselves in every way to another. It means that we make ourselves vulnerable to another and create a bond that is not easily dissolved. After the sexual act there is a lasting connection.

Sex Gone Wrong
Sex is powerfully wounding when used wrongfully. It creates ties to another that go way deeper than the mere time in which it takes to complete the sexual act. Sex is not like a purchase that can be returned to a store. Sex means that we reveal ourselves to another in a way that should be rare and not given lightly.

We can cheapen sex and water down God’s plan for it. We know that it feels great and so we don’t want to wait! Therefore we justify that sexual play is ok outside of marriage.

However on the other side of wrong sex are the feelings of disappointment and also the now created thirst for more. We have awakened sexual desire at the wrong time and with one with whom we have no promise of fidelity.

God’s Plan for Sex
Sex doesn’t need to be practiced before marriage. A married couple have their entire lives to work at this area. A great sex life can take time to build but that’s fine because marriage is for life.

Great sex is accompanied by trust and giving to the other. Sex becomes more fulfilling because one gets to know likes and dislikes and a person becomes more comfortable with the other.

Sex with one partner means that there are no comparisons to other sexual encounters and no regrets. It means that we can feel secure in the knowledge that we are the other’s one and only.

What’s OK Before Marriage?
So what’s ok sexually before marriage? Some will say that everything is fine except for actual intercourse. Many compromise on this stance. This is dangerous ground. One thing leads to the next. Foreplay leads to intercourse and this leads to the afterglow.

If we think that sexual play before marriage is fine then at what time in the relationship should this commence? How far do you go before marriage?

A broken relationship is painful but is less painful if there has been no sexual play.

Sex cannot be divided into steps. Foreplay, the act and after play form possibly the most intimate part of marriage. To break this into anything less cheapens the act, the other person and merely uses them as a temporary form of fulfillment. Controlling oneself and setting boundaries regarding what you will do with another sexually is all a part of respecting and loving another.

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