Posts Tagged ‘understanding’

18.May.2010 |

Addicted Or Not

Written by Jill
3 Comments

Addiction Affects Many
Some times we find it hard to know how to deal with addiction. We hear the word and visions come to mind. Perhaps these visions are of one self, a family member or friend. Addiction affects many people deeply beyond the addict.

Forms of Addiction
Some times we place addicts in a category that is far removed from our own lives. They are not so different to ourselves but the substance of choice is just more obvious or detrimental. The effects of such things as drugs, overeating or pornography are obvious and yet we can also be addicted to coffee, shopping and even physical fitness. Be slow to judge others. Perhaps our vice is just more acceptable and the effects less obvious.

What is addiction?
Addiction therefore is something that one does repeatedly in an attempt to feel good. We use a substance or an activity to fill a void, only then to find that afterwards we are again sad or ashamed and so the cycle continues. The thing that we use presents a high only then to be followed with a new low and so we do it again.

Addiction and Personality
We hear the term addictive personality and see some addicts go from one addiction to another. One may no longer drink but then they attend an addiction group for financial reasons. One may no longer be enmeshed in pornography but cigarettes become a new addiction. We may criticise this but I am grateful when one attempts to get responsible and find a vice that is less destructive than another. Remember we may be quick to judge but perhaps our vice looks more acceptable.

The addictive personality has taken on a broad meaning to include traits such as shyness, social awkwardness, introversion or self consciousness. I have talked with young people who then feel that the carrying of these traits mean that they have an addictive personality. Half of the world’s population may have these traits and yet are not all addicts. These traits are common human traits and we choose to deal with them in different ways.

Shyness and self-consciousness are often just a form of pride where we are too conscious or absorbed in self. My conquering of these things occurred because I dove into Scripture and understood that my self consciousness caused me to be self obsessed. I immersed myself in Scripture to overcome these traits in my life and discovered new meaning for my life.

Advertisements for antidepressants can lead one to believe that a prescription is necessary just because a person has sad days. Everyone has good and bad days as we each experience a huge variety of emotions according to life’s situations. Key is then how we will cope with these situations. Of course we can get so low where medication does help but to be sad does not deem medication necessary.

Addiction Programs
I admire deeply those who face their addiction and seek help. They inform good friends so that they can support the addict through this process. How great is it too to see those that overcome become key in helping others conquer their pain.

One frustration though is that many become enmeshed in the addiction program. The meetings beome a new addiction which is better than damaging substances but they then limit themselves to this network of people. Friendships and acceptance are deeply established because this network of people understands and accepts them and their problem.

Addicts cannot heal addicts. No man can heal another. Man can support, disciple, encourage and bring another to a gathering but an addict can only take another addict so far in life. We need to connect with people that are outside of our common weaknesses. If we do not we then limit our capacity.

The Higher Power In Addiction Programs
Many addicts are told to find a higher power but when told to do this they then create a higher power of their own liking. We then worship that of our own making rather than worshipping He who made us. The destructiveness of this is seen repeatedly in the Bible. While this approach of finding a higher power attracts many and is admirable, it will only take a person so far in recovery.

In John 3:17 he writes “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” The word “save” or “sozo” (Greek) means to be made whole. While a substance will not complete us neither will marriage, a career, having a child or anything that we would endeavor to complete this process. God only brings our completion.

In our judgement of the addict we fail to realize that we each carry our own vices. This only accentuates our need therefore to immerse in the greatest gathering place where we can surrender our strengths and weaknesses to the one and only God. His gathering place is the church. In our multitude of strengths and weaknesses we do not segregate but support one another in this quest to be made whole by the only one that can.

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15.May.2010 |

Dealing with Expectations in Marriage

Written by Jill
6 Comments

Expectations, Personality and Family Background
Expectations in marriage often cause conflict. We fight about little things such as whether dirty plates go in the dishwasher, whether a garage door is left open or closed or can we have take out for an evening meal. These things can cause havoc in a marriage. Is it worth though, allowing these things to rule and wreck a marriage?

As two people discover their differing expectations, you will also see traits of your personality and that many of these differences arise from your family background and traditions. And so we need to evaluate. What is necessary for our marriage.

Essential Expectations
Each person has to evaluate what is truly essential for their marriage. For Dean and myself most of our differences were not important and so each of us let them go. We did learn the hard way after destructive discussions and angry debates. However eventually I realized that my marriage was more important than for example an immaculate house.

Things that were important were that we spent time together, communicated as to what needed to be achieved each day and that we had financial security. If larger amounts of money were to be spent, then the other was consulted first. Important was that we agreed regarding what the children were doing.

As time passed, we achieved a lifestyle where each knew what the other needed and expected while we also saw each other’s strengths and therefore allowed them to have their way in this area. We knew that this would benefit our marriage and family.

Completion in Marriage
People choose partners thinking that this will make them complete. In marriage, one often finds that this “dream” person is not what they thought. This is good and normal as it takes years to know another person. Most of us marry after a couple of years of dating, thinking that we have found the right partner. However I am still getting to know Dean after twenty five years of marriage. As we age, many of our opinions, goals and ideals change and they need to because the world is continually changing. It doesn’t stand still to suit any man’s agenda.

When expectations are not met, keep the communication happening but try to keep it non accusing. The other is often oblivious to our exectations and is unaware of its importance to us. Talk and adjust your expectations according to what works for your marriage. Stamping around the room and slamming doors is not great communication. We might find that it gets the other’s attention but long term is doesn’t benefit a marriage. Think. Is an expectation more important than your marriage?

That completion that I mentioned does not come through marriage. As individuals we come to a better completion through developing our self, spirit, soul and body. John 3:17 states “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” The word “save” or “sozo’ (Greek) means to be made whole.

We are made whole and complete through Christ and so there will be days when you are unhappy with your partner. This is normal. It doesn’t mean that we dump our unhappiness on our partner but we turn to Christ, our source of contentment. Pray, rethink and take a deep breath before reacting. To read your Bible regularly helps retrain our minds as to how we should react to situations. It reminds us to apologize to others rather than always being defensive.

Contentment in Life
Other people can be a support, but only Christ fulfills. Even in realizing this, the tendency is to turn to our partner rather than Christ to solve our problems. In Genesis 3:16 God shows this to us. To the woman He said, ”I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be For your husband, And he shall rule over you.”

God tells us that our inclination as women will be to lean on our husbands. This is not God’s will, but a consequence of wrongdoing. There are always consequences to what we do. When one develops a relationship with Christ, turning to Him needs to become the preference. Next time that you are frustrated because you have been let down, think again. Rather than allowing an angry outburst to occur, converse with Christ first.

Marriage will not complete us. Rather through the trials and differences between two in marriage, God refines and strengthens each in their relationship with Him. But we as humans need to allow this.

Accept your partner’s differences. You did not marry them in order that you could commence a process of changing them but your role is to love and serve God by changing yourself and loving others. I have to remind myself that Dean is not on earth to suit my agenda. I have to discipline myself to let him go and find happiness for myself.

Appreciate your partner’s differences, work out what is important for your marriage to succeed and understand that “oneness” is a life time goal.

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06.May.2010 |

Discipline and Children

Written by Jill
4 Comments

Parenting and Discipline
After teaching for years and raising my own family, I feel that discipline for each child should differ and that the form of discipline needs to change as a child grows. Spanking may be fine for a young child but is humiliating for one when they are in puberty.

Having been a child, it’s easy to look and determine that we are going to parent in an entirely different way to our parents. I think it’s important that we determine not to be too reactionary regarding this.

Most parents see highlights and regrets in their parenting skills. We start off desiring to be the best parents in the world and yet in week one we are being pushed emotionally and mentally to an edge that we did not know existed. The gentle pat on the back of a child may become increasingly harder while the soft words to a child may become a yell of frustration.

We watch our children grow and with so many decisions we as parents wonder if we are doing a good job because we are surrounded by other families that are living their lives differently.

Different Needs Require Different Discipline
Through pastoring, teaching and parenting I have found that the needs of each child differ. Some require much more attention than others. Our first child played happily on his own while our second son seemed so demanding. We as parents need to realize though that the levels of demands may be draining on a parent but do not necessitate that this child is badly behaved.

A child can be silently misbehaving, sneaky or manipulative and yet the loud child is often the one that got the punishment. Older children can be blamed for the wrong doings of younger siblings while expectations on younger siblings may be too high.

To Spank or Not To Spank
“Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.” This is Proverbs 13:24 from the Bible. Some say why believe such myths and fanciful stories. Others will take this verse and live it with a vengeance.

For myself I love to model my life off of others’ successes. The Bible is full of truths and principles that are well worth imitating. If it’s working for another, I adjust it to fit my life. Many religions today have taken their principles and standards from the Bible. We think these principles are a new invention for today but we find them often in the Bible. The Bible is full of grace and love and God’s desire to see people succeed. God sees one’s heart beyond behavior. This is a good view with which to look at our children. We love and discipline in view of the fact that we want to help them live life better.

The above scripture is a generalization. It tells us to discipline our children but it is not saying to spank them every time they may do some thing that differs to our standards. No one ever claimed that parenting would be convenient or fit our agenda.

Babies and young have no understanding of right and wrong but operate more out of curiosity. To attempt explanations at this age usually only frustrates the child and the parent and so a light smack is better than for example, a burnt hand. A light smack is better than being hit by car. Better to spank lightly than to smack too hard out of frustration.

Many young parents claim that they will reason with their baby or young child only to find that their young child has not yet developed a capacity to reason. They will also say that their child is innocent and is defenseless. This is partly true and so it is up to parents to defend these children and help them learn boundaries. If a child is not to be reasoned with then the light spank sets the boundary.

Yes there will likely be times when we spank too hard. Some times a parent is exhausted, fearful and just plain imperfect. Any parent that has grabbed their child from the brink of disaster understands this. However these times should be minimal rather than the norm. If escalating, it’s time to find some help whether talking to an experienced parent or a counselor.

Spanking a maturing child can become a form of discipline after one or two lighter forms of discipline. Perhaps a removed privilege or time out. It comes down often to what appears a worse punishment for the child.

Some times we seem to be constantly punishing our children. If a child is receiving little attention, punishment can be a form of attention. Perhaps then we need to rearrange our schedules so that this child gets his needs met in a positive way. Perhaps something is amiss in another area of his life such as at school. Spanking should not be a parent’s easiest option but rather a form of discipline that suits the misbehavior.

The issue is not “to spank or not to spank” but as parents to understand that each child will differ. What does this child need to feel loved and valuable but also what will help him understand respect for others and boundaries in life so that his life is productive.

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01.May.2010 |

Love In Marriage

Written by Jill
8 Comments

Two become One
There’s power in the commitment of marriage. When Genesis 2:24 says that two become one, understand this as an ongoing process throughout your marriage. I see a marriage as two people continually stepping toward each other, endeavoring to understand the other and support one another.

In marriage one cannot be responsible for another’s total happiness. In the movie “Jerry MacGuire”, she said to he “You complete me” and the hearts of women were moved. However this is unrealistic. As individuals we come to a better completion through developing our self, spirit, soul and body.

Two Are Better Than One
Most people’s lives are a juggling act of managing a home, work and family. Therefore I see the number one priority as remembering that I’m not the only person in my world. I chose to marry. I chose to have others in my life. And I need others in my life, both God and mankind.

Church Is An Essential Ingredient
Church reminds me of the privileges and responsibilities that I have. God created marriage knowing that we are incapable of doing life on our own. Church also reminds me of God’s power especially when I feel vulnerable and weak. Church keeps me connected with a bigger world that my own “Jill” world and so through church I again feel invigorated and connected to my Maker.

Marriage Takes Time
Marriage may be hard work but the benefits outweigh the negatives by far. Actually for me I cant see any negatives. I would not have always claimed this. Nor would have Dean. However twenty five years of marriage has given us time to know and understand one another. We’ve worked out the battles that are worth fighting and then those things that one should ignore.

Commitment to the years in marriage means that we know that it takes time to get to know one another. In marriage ask yourself how well do you know your spouse? Their likes and dislikes, their areas of confidence and insecurity. For a husband, regarding his wife is he aware of when she may be more moody each month?

Share Responsibilities
Love in marriage means that the responsibilities of running a home and the responsibility of children are discussed and shared. Each chooses where they feel capable while the remaining tasks are divided between two. On some days when one is exceptionally tired, the other steps in and fills the gaps, preferably without complaint. Some things may never get done but are the arguments worth the destruction that they cause in a marriage?

Different Needs Between Husband and Wife
Love in marriage means that one understands what causes the other to feel loved. A husband may think that he is loving her by helping with the children. But this is not her perception. She feels loved by him sitting and hearing about her day. He feels loved because she listens to his latest sporting achievement with words of admiration. Understand that the other may not feel loved as you feel loved. You may be being the greatest mom or dad in the world but this to your partner is love for your children and not for a spouse.

Sexual Commitment
Love in a marriage means that we have a sexual commitment to one another. Not only is this a willingness and commitment to availability for one another but it is a commitment to look after one’s own body. We all age but if God calls our body the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19), surely this means that each of us has a responsibility to keep it healthy. It’s not about having the body of a twenty year old at fifty but merely doing the best you can. But it doesn’t hurt when one pretends to the other that they still look twenty. Build each other’s confidence as this makes this area more fun.

When we are young marrieds, it’s mostly not an issue finding the time and energy for such an act. When this experience is no longer new, we do need to find the energy and create the fun. The young read this in astonishment while we mature sigh. However sex is something that can keep you close, connected and laughing.

Two Becoming One
Regarding love, hear and watch out for each other. Why does your spouse respond so easily to some one else and not you? This can be a clue for you to take a hold of. Be gently honest with one another about your needs rather than giving the other the silent treatment. Marriage is not a movie but it is a continual venture of “two becoming one.”

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20.Mar.2010 |

Real Communication

Written by Jill
3 Comments

Some couples never learn how to effectively communicate. Misunderstandings occur because we think we know what our partners are saying, but we miss the point because of our own filters and barriers.

It is said that 75% of what we orally communicate is ignored or forgotten. Yet probably the most important ingredient in a marriage is the ability to communicate. When we don’t understand we need to ask more questions and gather more information until we have clarity. To get offended without discovering more information is immature.

Communication is the process of sharing yourself, verbally and non-verbally, in a way that the other person can accept and understand you. This means that listening is extremely important.

To make time to hear each other, to make sure that you are in an environment where you can listen to each other, is so important. Yes we need to make time to sit down, go to a cafe, or take a walk. Make it a priority. Get the children minded or take them with you, cancel that golf game, let the other know that they are the priority.

In a good relationship, the man and woman both realize that there is unity in love, but at the same time there is freedom of opinions for both individuals. Dean and I work in the same church and are often in the same meetings. In our staff meetings we may have differing opinions and will have to agree to disagree in front of a room full of people. On some days this is fine while on others it is hurtful. On occasion we will sit down later by ourselves and discover ways in which this could have been handled differently. Mostly we need to accept that on certain topics we think differently and decide to appreciate this. We are aware that with other people in the room that we do not want it to be awkward for them and that they need senior ministers that can work together. On the other hand we never endeavor to change the other’s opinion realizing that there is strength in the differing ways in which we think. Each of us does not attempt to control the other to suit the other’s agenda but understands that greatness lies in differences as well as similarities.

Neither is swallowed up by the other, but each keeps his personality and identity. In a secure marriage, each can be honest about all types of feelings and can talk about their differences, airing even hostility and hurt. The intention is never to offend the other, but in their security with each other, they make up and can grow old together.

Proverbs 21:11 says, “The wise man learns by listening; the simpleton can learn only by seeing scorners punished.

James 1:19 says, “Let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”

When we are really listening, we are not thinking about what we are going to say next. Listening is also a complete acceptance of what and how something is said. Often we do not accept a message due to a tone of voice, or because we do not like the message. We have already perhaps chosen to be offended and so we miss what is being shared. Acceptance does not mean that we agree, but that we understand that what the other person is saying is something he feels. Real listening means that we should be able to repeat what is said to us and what we think the other was feeling. If you are not sure what your partner is saying, ask more questions to gather more information and learn not to jump to conclusions.

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